Hey Nice Guy, no you’re not. Stop saying that.

This is a bit of a break from the usual gaming related articles, however there is a definite crossover between Nice Guys and people who game so why not address them here? Just to get it out the way, there’s nothing wrong with gaming, keep at it!

I realise this article contains very specific personal pronouns (you (male), her) as I’m speaking from experience, of course if you have any opinions or thoughts from your point of view elsewhere in the gender spectrum do feel free to chuck them in the comments!

Hey Mr Nice Guy

 I only say this upfront and blunt as you like this to weed out the people that don’t really care for the article and just want the argument, past this point we’ll look into why it’s true and how you can take steps away from it. If your jimmies are all rustled up right now please jump straight down to the comments below and have your retort. It’s OK to be fired up. I’m expecting it. It’s one of your traits as a Nice Guy.

To preface I’m a fellow who has in the past thought of himself as a Nice Guy, and that’s the angle I’m coming from here. All of us Nice People have been through it and hopefully you’re at the point I was few years or so back and want to change it. This isn’t going to be a miracle “How To Get Laid” article or anything like that, although we’ll definitely address that subject!

Nice Guy rages
Legitimately overheard a conversation along this line. Tragic.

How To Get Laid

Firstly just stop it, it wont work. Your first goal should be “How can I stop being a complete knob to everyone around me”.

I’m guessing you’ve got that one girl that you’re obsessed with, you’ve already planned out the next 20 years of your life with her. The only problem is that she doesn’t like Nice Guys, right? She’s only after the guys that mess her around and are generally complete jerks? While I’m sure there are people out there like this, there’s people out there for every description you could think of, for the majority you’re pretty likely to be wrong.

Y’see, the problem you’ve got is that you’re completely self-entitled and you’re not seeing this from her point of view. You believe that you can convince her that you’re the perfect man for her and that everything will be perfect in this life you’ve conjured from nowhere if only she’d stop dating these jerks and give you the chance you deserve! You don’t have to be honest with me here but try to be honest with yourself, are you just looking to get laid? Possibly just looking to get laid by the only woman that talks to you? It’ll be cheaper in both time and money if you just get a hooker at this point. No seriously. Go find a hooker, flash a bit of cash and get what you’re after. Go for a cigar and a beer when you’re done then come back here.

At the worst stage of being a Nice Guy you’ve tried showering her with gifts, sent swarms of compliments her way whenever you can, dropped everything to be there no matter what when she calls, probably been a shoulder to cry on a few times too, right? Stop it. Well maybe not the last one, but definitely stop doing it if you’re just looking to get lucky via it, you manipulative ass. That sort of thing is between friends, of which you’re a terrible one.

“How is this supposed to get me laid?” I’m not explaining myself very well. I’ll drop the bullshit and just say it as best I can – If your only interaction with a girl is in the vain hope of getting something out of it, you’re being manipulative. This is not nice. Therefore you’re not nice. In fact you’re worse than the jerks she’s usually dating. She thinks you’re a friend and you’re just after a bit of ass. At least the jerks you hate so much are up-front about it. Spoiler alert: That’s why they get it, they’re more honest with your fantasy girl rather than manipulative. The long con doesn’t work for relationships, numbskull.

This is why you have to convince yourself and others that you are a Nice Guy. You’re not, but you want them to think that. You want you to think that. Snap out of it friend, the sooner the better.

At this point if you’re a fully fledged Nice Guy you’re just itching to call me a White Knight right now. Go for it. Been there, done that. That happy smug feeling you get from calling someone out as a white knight lasts about as long as your love for the lube covered fist you have relations with each night. Really, just try to stick with me here, you already made it this far.

What women really want in a guy

I haven’t a clue. Nobody does, quite possibly the person you’re thinking about now doesn’t even know. The thing is, everyone’s different. You need to stop generalising and start thinking of people as individuals rather than just the receptacle for your love juice. Yep, that even includes women!

In the majority of cases though nobody wants a self-proclaimed Nice Guy. Please, drop your plans for this woman. You’ve already burned the relationship bridge with her, it will never be rebuilt. You can even call it the Friend Zone if you really want to (Although it’s a very Nice Guy term to use) – you’re in it and you’re never coming out of it. At this point there’s a ridiculously slim chance you’ll ever get your happy little life you’ve planned out. You’ve got a better chance at winning the lottery twice in a row using the same numbers. She’s not interested in you in that way mate.

Ok I get it, I’m a Nice Guy. How do I stop?

We’ve already mentioned that one of your first goals are to stop trying to get laid. Nice Guys finish last because they’re vile creatures.

Next up you need to stop thinking only about your own needs. Cold turkey time, if you’re showering someone with gifts right now stop it. If you’re finding any excuse under the sun to hang out with that same someone, stop it. In fact, without being an asshole about it, give a bit of breathing room between you and the certain someone on your mind for a month or so.

She may at this point have become used to you answering her every beck and call as you’ve effectively conditioned her to behave that way. Now as a bit of a sidebar this is different to someone that knows that they’re doing it. That’s the gender opposite to you, the Complete Bitch. We may cover that person type in a later article. Back to the beck and call issue, if you find she’s contacting you to help her with x, y, z and it’s not an absolute emergency – you’re busy. You do not make up an excuse, you say “No can do sorry, I’m a bit busy”. That’s it. Oh and definitely don’t emphasise the “Sorry” too much, keep it nicely in the middle there as a passive word. Saying “Sorry” when you’re not is one of the primary manipulation chants of the Nice Guy.

Not got that specific someone that you’re obsessed with? No worries we’ll cover that too, as it’s also the next step for the obsessed Nice Guy.

You’re just here for chit chat, maybe a beverage or two and a good time

Now that you’ve started shedding your Nice Guy skin (Hopefully I’ve mentioned Nice Guy enough that you’re starting to hate the term) to reveal the gem beneath you’ve probably lost the reason to do.. anything, right? If you’re not going out to get laid why are you even bothering? If this is the case then you’re not participating in the right activities for you my friend. You’re correct – going out to a bar with the intention of getting lucky, not talking to anyone while there, ending up smashed out of your brain is no longer your ideal social situation. It’s time to find what you like as a Great Guy and do that instead.

Hey Mr Great Guy

Now that you’re on the path to being awesome (Ok that’s setting the ego a bit too high, we’ll tone it down a bit for now) you need to figure out what it is you like doing. Chances are pretty in the favour of it not being a sport. I know, it’s stereotypical and I’m a bad person for saying it. But it’s OK for you to immediately rule it out. Not everyone likes sport.

Remember, much like being ‘cool’, a Great Guy never calls himself a Great Guy. If you start that nonsense all you’ve done is lied to yourself and besmirched my “Great Guy” description, therefore you’re an arsehole. Well done Nice Guy, you’ve ruined it for all of us.

In order of how urgently you need to change things, go down the following list and make changes to yourself. Don’t overdo it, take baby steps at first. Unfortunately this sort of thing will take some time to master. If you’ve already managed a step jump on over it to the next one.

1. Love yourself

Sounds cheesy as heck, and it is. But to start down the path of Great Guy from Nice Guy you need to appreciate yourself for who you are. The good news however is that by getting this far and wanting to continue means you’ve already on the right path to completing this step! You’re on fire, it’s going great! Not quite there yet? No worries, just think of how much time you’ve spent already being a Nice Guy and consider how long you’ll be doing that until someone is convinced? It could be a very long time, and your Nice Guy-ety will only get worse as the years go by.

2. Hygiene

It’s blunt and it’s to the point but it’s also a real thing. If you’re the type of guy that could quite happily go a week without a bath or shower that needs to stop right now. In fact if its been more than a couple of days since your last wash you need to stop reading right at the end of this sentence and wash, come back when you’re done.

I’m not saying bathe every time you get a bit of a sweat on, but try for cleaning yourself every couple of days at least. For a lot of people it goes without saying but as I’m in a “Say it how it is” mood today – you stink. Too harsh, but people notice. It’s possible you’re thinking “I don’t bathe every other day and I smell alright!” Fraid not mate, you’re just used to your own musk at this point.

Brush your teeth too, the most interesting person in the world could be talking but if they’ve got stanky poo breath they’re a complete and utter git that nobody likes to be around.

Really need proof? Before you give yourself the standard deodorant bath in the morning get your nose right up into an armpit and inhale like you mean it. Need another? Run a hand down below in the nether regions between sack and leg, again snort it down like it’s a fresh batch of coke. That’s what everyone else is smelling all of the time you’re around, whether you’re wearing deodorant or not. Seriously.

3. Excercise

I know, I said you can rule sports out but exercise is possibly the best fuel for confidence after MDMA (Not saying do drugs here, they’re far too expensive in the long term). Even if it’s just taking a walk somewhere instead of driving once a week or so it counts. The absolute best is probably swimming. Cheap, easy enough to do in most places around the world, works out pretty much every muscle you’ve got, loosens everything up. It’s good stuff.

There’s a whole world of things you can do that count as exercise. You like shoot-em-up games? Give archery, paintballing or airsofting a go! More a strategy guy? Maybe a team sport is for you after all, it’s all about strategy when you get past the “Sports are for chuds” image.

But if you’re really not feeling it, skip ahead. It really is good for you, but you can probably manage without if you must.

4. Get a job

Next up you’ll probably need some funds. If you’re sitting on a pile of money while reading this you’re all good, spin on. Otherwise it’s time to get into the status of “Employed”.

There may be other steps to take first such as getting a bit of education. In the USA it’s a GED I believe, in the UK just sign up for any old course you like the sound of cause chances are it’s free or at least cheap as heck and they’ll put you on the bare minimum courses as well. Get that out the way and after, or even during, snag yourself a job.

It’s beyond the scope of this article on how to get a job, but leave some feedback if you need a few tips there. Generally speaking batch print a bunch of CVs and write a couple paragraph cover letter for each place you apply. Send it to everyone whether you’re underqualified, overqualified, doesn’t matter. As you end up getting paid at least minimum wage in exchange for work it counts. You can sort out getting a better job later when you’ve got this one, it’ll be a lot easier too.

5. Find your fun

Hey maybe you found it in exercise? Excellent! If not, try to add something else to your repertoire. As I said right at the start you don’t need to get rid of gaming, absolutely not. But try to add something else to get your dopamine fix. However please be aware that chances are if it includes hefty amounts of alcohol, you’ve just replaced the Nice Guy attribute with Future Alcoholic. It’s worse, trust me. Don’t be that guy.

Generally the aim isn’t to add something alongside the gaming if you don’t want to, it’s to get out of the house. If you can find LAN parties to go to, it’s cool. That counts. Haven’t got a clue what you like doing? Rule everything out, sewing class going on nearby? Hit that up. Know someone who’ll teach you the fine art of curling? Go for it. If you’re not loving it after a couple of attempts, move on to the next available activity in the local area. Repeat until satisfied.

6. Be interested, and be interesting

Ok so you love yourself, you’re freshly showered, maybe you’ve hit up the gym, you’ve got a bit of a hobby going on. Now what? Now, you’re interesting! Feel free to hit up bars and whatnot with mates, it’s all good. Your stories won’t be filled with the same information as last time with a bit of embellishment thrown in. You’re actually an interesting person, you’re well prepared to chat about your hobbies if the situation comes up!

However. Don’t be the guy that only ever talks. You’ve got plenty of ear holes so use them. When chatting to a new person (and don’t just limit it to women, you sly Nice Guy getting this far..) your task is to find out more about them than they find out about you. Sounds weird but I find the challenge helps with the listening. Ask open ended questions and actually listen to the reply! Pretend there’s a quiz on this person’s life story tomorrow, take in anything they’re saying.

7. Keep at it

You’re done. Well, not really. The average life span is a long time and this’ll all take a bit of getting used to, if things don’t go well you’re all good just start back at point 1 and go at your own pace.

If on the other hand it’s all going well, you should start noticing that people actually seem to like you because guess what, champ. They actually do like you! You’re a Great Guy!

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